Intentional Pursuit of Friendship
Photo by: Paola Kudacki for TIME
So a couple of day ago, my friend Juli sent me this article and ended up reading and watching the interview clip embedded in the article.
My Take
(Text version is under each image gallery.)
After finishing reading and watching the article and the videos, it led me to reflect on my experience on women’s friendship and the intentional pursuit of friendship and I wholeheartedly agree with this.
I’m all for intentionally pursuing people who I want to be friends with.
I think I’ve always been.
Not in middle school though because I was a pretty shy and awkward kid back then and social hierarchy and peer pressure were real.
It started after middle school after I left home for Australia. The moving class system over there might have something to do with it because I didn’t get to spend most of my day with the same group of people, which in hindsight, is a relief honestly. But on the downside, if I wanted to be friends with someone, I had to put an effort to hang out with them during breaks or during the weekends outside school.
There’s also the fact that I was introduced to a couple of different social groups outside school (church, basketball team), which meant I have to make friends with at least one person in each group if I don’t want to be that loner girl during gatherings. Again, peer pressure was real guys. And honestly, it was pretty awkward and nerve-wracking for me.
But it’s okay.
I survived.
Looking back now, that period kind of forced me to start honing my social skills, so it’s all good.
Then after high school, it was the start of my (somewhat) transient life. Went on to live in 6 different cities in the span of 10 years. Not to mention the amount of travel I did every year after that (I think my busiest year was visiting 11 cities in a year). Throughout those years, my social skills got better, meeting new people and introducing myself have gotten easier (anything gets easier with practice, really), and making friends is something that I actually enjoy in every city that I lived or traveled to.
But because of my transient life, I always think that my time in a certain place is limited (including in my hometown sinceI traveled so much). It unconsciously made me prioritize things in my life, including friendship. Friendship for me is pretty high up on the list.
So, with the limited amount of time I got to spend in certain places with certain people, I became very intentional in pursuing people who I want to be friends with. I’d try to meet and spend time with them as much as possible.
Doesn’t really matter what we do—whether it’s spending a whole day together doing everything or doing absolutely nothing—as long as we get to talk and know each other better, I’m always down.
I don’t remember when exactly, but there’s a point in my life where somebody or something someone said made me feel like what I’m doing—this whole intentional pursuit of friendship thing—was weird. Or at the very least, uncommon. It bothered me for a while, thinking I was weird, and afraid that people will find me weird when I want to be friends with them (oh the beauty of self-doubts in your 20s).
But then I met Soo Zee.
The whole self-doubt thing still nagged at the back of my mind during our budding friendship. Plus we initially met on a project so I didn’t want to accidentally cross any line or overstep. But we’ve been meeting for a couple of times, talking about non-work related stuff over food and coffee and desserts and I ended up asking her a question about whether this is a work hangout thing or a friend hangout thing.
I remembered she told me something along the lines of “Yes, we’re friends” and “If I don’t like you, I wouldn’t have asked you to hang out with me.”
I don’t know if I’ve ever told her this but her words brought so much comfort to my then self-doubts because hey, there’s actually another human being who’s also intentional in pursuing their friendship.
I guess in the past, I always felt like I’m the only one doing the pursuing in a friendship. Or at least initiated the pursuit (which later is reciprocated, obviously, if we became friends). And nobody really said that to me explicitly before so I didn’t know if anybody else is intentional in pursuing their friendship, let alone a friendship with me.
Most of my friends, my Indonesian friends at least, usually became friends either because they grew up together, went to school together, or went to church together. Like, their friendship naturally (or sometimes forcefully) formed because they’ve spent so much time together in certain settings (at least from my observation). And growing up, that’s whatI experienced too.
But then after I moved to Seoul, I mostly made friends with people who I met on the internet (which some found weird and I understand. But hey, it works great for me so far, so I don’t think I’m going to stop anytime soon. Also, shoutout to the old version of Instagram for connecting me with these awesome people. It was really an awesome time where I saw real people’s photos more than I saw ad posts) or during my travels.
And the biggest thing about making friends with people on the internet or during my travel is that they could come from a very different walk of life than me.
Sure, there are probably some common grounds that we bonded over during the initial stage of our friendship. But if I didn’t put any effort in pursuing them, the budding friendship wouldn’t have grown, especially with the limited amount of face to face time I get to spend with them since I traveled a lot, we all live in different cities and countries, and most of my friends prefer in-person hangouts or calling over texting. Not to mention that everybody has other (usually more pressing) things that are going on in their lives—work, family, their partner, other friends.
With no intentional pursuit, they’ll just become another face I met during a time in my life that I probably soon forget.
Anyway, after what Soo Zee said, I’ve became very aware of the fact that there are other people who are also very intentional in pursuing their friendship.
I don’t know if it’s the city or just pure coincidence, but all my now close friends who I met in Seoul are very intentional in pursuing their friendship with me. Same with the people who I became friends with from that period onwards.
Some said it explicitly, some said it loudly through their openness and vulnerability when we talk to each other, or through their efforts and actions to spend time with me or check up on me from time to time if we couldn’t meet.
But either way, I’m grateful for every single one of them.
I guess what I’m trying to with this impromptu essay is:
being intentional in my pursuit of friendship has led me to making strangers to become some of my closest friends.
And although intentional pursuit is an important part of forming a friendship with someone, opening up, being honest and vulnerable with each other are as important if you want your friendship to grow and last.
Source: @ninagrewal97 Twitter
Dig deeper than the usual surface level conversations. Talk about things that make you happy, or sad, your hopes and dreams, your fears and struggles and find strength and comfort in each other.
It really did wonders for me in forming new friendship as well as maintaining old ones.
Anyways, didn’t know that this was going to be this long but if you made it ‘til here, thanks for reading! :)
